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Julie Fidler
Posts:162
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| 07/18/2008 6:12 PM |
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How has FWO and FMO helped you in your marriage, and other relationships? Have you been able to apply the things Shaunti and Jeff wrote about? If so, we'd love to hear about it! 
-Julie
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Forum Moderator
Project Specialist for Shaunti Feldhahn |
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sunflower
Posts:1
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| 07/19/2008 11:25 AM |
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It had the opposite effect. My husband read FMO first and didn't care either way. I read FWO and did not like it at all. I felt worst about myself and my self esteem went down after reading it. I appreciated the candid replies from the men, but some of it was terrible. Many comments were just negative and mean. One person was quoted as saying when he saw a man in public with an overweight/obese wife he felt sorry for the man/husband. Excuse me, he felt sorry for him having to put up with her? I am a pretty woman and I struggle with my weight. I have been on more diets than I can count. I was overweight before I got married and I don't think I am a horrible looking woman that my husband should be walking around ashamed of either.
I totally understand a man who marries a size 4 woman and 10 years later she is a size 24 that would be an adjustment to a totally different looking person. I understand physically fit men and women wanting fit and attractive spouses too. I do think we need to be reasonable with changes after birthing children, sickness and age.
I am not promoting being overweight or obese, but I do not appreciate the suggestion that any person is less valuable due to their weight. We need to stop comparing each other to what we see in the media everyday. What if the tables were turned and pressure was on men too. What's so fine looking about the balding, big belly, wrinkle men walking around? Sounds rough.
I am interested in materials that help me and encourage me in every area of my life including spiritually and physically. I want to be healthier in both.
I thought when I bought this book it was from a christian perspective, but I would say it is just the opposite. For me the book was not helpful.
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Julie Fidler
Posts:162
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| 07/19/2008 3:03 PM |
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Man, I'm sorry you had such a negative experience with the book. For me, it changed my life positively. I'm with you on that quote about the guys feeling sorry for a man who was with an overweight wife. That was definitely not one of my favorites.
I can relate to you. I'm attractive but overweight, and losing weight is a battle I'm constantly fighting. I've battled some really tough things in my life, but nothing compares to battling my weight.
I wanted to point out two things, though.
First, Shaunti wasn't saying that women have to be swimsuit models, or a size 3. And that wasn't what the men - the majority of them - said they were looking for. They just wanted to see their wives making an effort to take care of themselves. That comment clouded things, I know, but interviews and surveys all said that guys just wanted their women to care.
That's the first thing.
The second thing is, I don't know if you personally read FMO or not, but women said basically the same thing about the men. It was important to see that they were making an effort to take care of themselves.
You say you're a pretty woman who happens to be overweight. So I'm assuming by you take care of yourself to the best of your ability.
That's all the guys want.
Hey, not everybody likes the same stuff. Stinks that the book wasn't of help to you. But I wanted to respond to you, because it made me sad to hear that you were feeling worse about yourself after reading it, since that's NOT what Shaunti - or any of us on staff! - want for you or anyone else.
-Julie
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Forum Moderator
Project Specialist for Shaunti Feldhahn |
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tajitianmoon
Posts:3
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| 08/17/2008 6:49 PM |
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| I read this book before I got married, and two years later I've just recently read it again. I see things completely different this time around. Now I am struggling with the "respect." I guess I find myself arguing about silly things when I should just say "you're right..." but in my heart I don't always believe it and I end up harboring that inside. How can I show respect and mean it? I am a wife that takes care of finances and basically "organizing" our lives. How do I keep the reigns (he does want me to keep them) and still show him he's the head of the house? |
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Julie Fidler
Posts:162
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| 08/18/2008 9:26 AM |
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| I would think one way to show him he's still the head of the house is to keep him aware of your financial situation at all times, even though you're the one handling it. Sit down once a week and show him what you have, how much you have to pay that week, etc. |
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Forum Moderator
Project Specialist for Shaunti Feldhahn |
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Joan
Posts:1
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| 11/08/2008 7:14 AM |
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Two years 1/2 half years ago after 22 years of marriage - I walked out.
I then spent time reading books to try to understand better why.
Reading both of the "only" books was a revelation to me.
I realized how I had been wrong in some areas .
But most important - when I read the "for men only" I realized that I had been responding to many situations in a manner normal for women. This was very major to me. I had been told for years that I was all wrong about many things - and this included my natural God given female behaviours.
To know that I was like other women and not weird was a huge thing and I greatly appreciate the book series for reassuring me.
I will not return to that relationship - but I am slowly healing and more or less content as a single. Just wish that churches understood the divorcee better....... |
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Sara
Posts:2
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| 01/07/2009 3:10 PM |
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Sunflower it sounds like you are very hard on your self or you have some deep hurts. We can't change the way men think. When reading any marriage type book I make sure I am looking to see I can change in myself to help your relationship, never dwell on what he should change it just makes you hurt worse. You can only change you. That being said, if you really do have some deep hurts you may want to consider personal counceling so you can close that door and learn to feel better about yourself.
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sheemt
Posts:4
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| 01/12/2009 10:20 AM |
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| I bought this book yesterday, and it already has given insight to what I'm feeling and what I'm doing wrong. This is my second marriage, was a widow for 7years. I'm the third wife and we both have 2 kids a piece. We both work in the same field, we are great friends, but the romance is gone after 6 years-5 years married. I'm a proactive person and I've just begun to touch the surface of improvement, my attitude and response to my husband. I will give you all updates! : ) |
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ray
Posts:1
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| 01/13/2009 10:50 AM |
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my boyfriend(ex) and i bought FMO last year when we were having issues with our relationship. it helped him understand me a little better cos it seems i av some communication issues. we however searched for the FWO but coudnt get it. we broke up (last oct) and then i got the FWO last month. i called him immy i saw it that i was buying it. i bought it and cried cos it really touched me. all along, i thot he was the one with the problems, but after i read the book, i realized a lot of things. the book pointed out a lot of things that i wasnt doing right and i feel if i had gotten it earlier, i could av actually saved our relationship.
the book really explains how guyz feel when we do or say some certain things. and y they act/respond the way they do.
Im a lot smarter thanx to FWO, im not in any reationship yet but i know the book has opened my eyes and given me God's wisdom to handle my next one better. |
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Questioning
Posts:2
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| 01/23/2009 10:37 AM |
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Are you serious? You girls are being way to hard on yourselves. A boyfriend being lost b/c you are having major problems probably is not that big of a loss. On the other hand, a husband, I'm sorry I think marriages should last. However on that same token sometimes you don't have control! Yes, maybe you could have stopped it, but at that time you did not know what you know now! You cannot help what you didn't know...you know it now and that's all that can be done. Be happy that you see some ways to improve your life and keep your eyes on God. (I'm working through the book study and to be honest there is a lot of ideas that seem stuck in the 50's. I have learned a few new things, so I do not count it as a total loss!)
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SewReba
Posts:19
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| 02/02/2009 4:23 PM |
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GREATLY! God brought me to this reading at a crucial time. My husband and I reached a fork and one direction was seperation. Through the Bible, prayer, FWO and my obedience to God, God prepared me for the fork in the road. I turned to this book for encouragement to forgive my husband when I wanted to harbor. Reading the desire of the men's hearts pushed me to LET IT GO and stop focusing on the hurt so that we could start to heal.
NOTE TO LADIES: You can't heal if you keep reopening the wound! Tell yourself, let it go, let it go. And do it. It is soooo difficult, but practice when it feels unnatural get's you closer to the habit of forgiving and letting healing take place. |
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Self discipline is what we need in order to do the things we must do so that we may have the things we say we want. -JM |
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flashbeaver
Posts:0
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| 03/19/2009 1:20 PM |
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One of things that helped me the most was realizing that women have lots of "windows" open at the same time.
I stopped getting hurt when she would switch the subject in the middle of a very important conversation. I used to get REALLY hurt because I thought she was not paying attention to me.
Now I just wait as she switches the subject. We talk about what we want to plant in the garden for a while, then how the check book is being balanced, then what one of the children are doing in school.............and I wait. And sometimes the conversation stops there.
But I have found that if I keep waiting, and sometimes up to two hours, she will bring her focus around to what we were talking about.
This is soooooooo MUCH FUN!!!!!
I am finally learning how to play my stradivarius! 
Awesome book Shaunti! Keep it up! |
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type5
Posts:13
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| 03/27/2009 2:57 AM |
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FMO taught me that my wife was insecure in my love for her.
That was a big surprise. |
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Linda Lee
Posts:1
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| 03/31/2009 1:57 AM |
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| I just finsihed reading FWO. It helped open my eyes. One of the things that always bothered me about my husband was when he brought anything home from the store. When I bring anything home, I get it out of the bags and put them away. But whenever he comes home, he calls for me to come to the kitchen (no matter what else I am doing). When I get there he has to show me EVERYTHING that he bought. My pastor had preached about how men were like cavemen still. I realized that my husband (in his caveman state) was dragging the "kill" back to the cave, and wanted me to be proud of him that he was providing for his family. Remebering this fact has helped me not to get so upset with him even if I have to be inconvienced for a minute or two. |
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Doug
Posts:4
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| 04/02/2009 6:59 PM |
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in the past i would have read all these posts and tried to come up with a solution to each and every problem in here. but since i have read most of FMO i realize that women sometimes just need someone to talk to, not someone to solve all thier problems. I have also learned that i can smooth over alot of agrivation just by reassuring my wife that we are ok and that i love her very much. at first i was just saying it at random times (driving down the road "honey i love you n we are ok") she would look at me like i was an idiot lol. then we got into a heated discussion one night and i was getting upset n i said..."i love you and we are ok but i dont want to talk about this anymore right now"....and to my suprise it worked...it really really worked. then after a few minutes i was able to start the discussion again n we worked whatever it was out. i will admit that i was skeptical when i read that a woman would really take that as an alternative to an arguement but i was proven wrong.
Now i'm on the Sex chapter and i cant help but be a bit skeptical again. When it say if i do more house work i will get more...attention... i'm thinking that this is a trick to get guys to do more house work hahaha, because i do alot of house work and nothing has ever changed. i'm not complaining its just i'm a bit skeptical. this is a great book and i am getting alot of good information from it. thanks so much! |
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dickeybird
Posts:2
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| 05/12/2009 10:31 AM |
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My marriage has not been helped by the books either. I bought the "For Women Only" first and had my eyes opened BIG TIME. I've been trying to work on the Respect thing in particular and am failing miserably in my husband's eyes.
I bought the "For Men Only" book for my husband. He said he wanted it. He read it and had his eyes opened, too. He pretty much decided he would never understand women and our troubled marriage is probably hopeless.
Since the books, our relationship has been rockier than before.
We are in the process of probably setting up two households. His idea. In towns, 90 miles apart. One is my hometown. The other is our current farm home. Our "story" is that "we want to have a place closer to my family."
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Dave
Posts:1
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| 05/12/2009 3:27 PM |
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I'm looking for feedback from other men on how to keep the pursuit alive...
This sounds easy but I'm finding the reality difficult... I got married so I didn't have to date anymore. I hated dating.. Trust me I love my wife very much but the "ga ga" fellings we all have at first don't last forever. I also find that if I pursue any other interst (or hobby) it seems to create another source of jealously. "You pay more attention to that guitar then you do to me"...
What are others doing to keep the "spark" of pursuit alive? |
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Julie Fidler
Posts:162
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| 05/12/2009 10:18 PM |
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Guys, there is no easy fix. I don't care what book you read, or who wrote it. There are no perfect answers out there.
I have known Shaunti for years, she has been my personal and spiritual mentor, I've read and worked with all of her books (promoting, especially), and yet my husband I have almost fallen apart more times than I can count. We're in a great place now, but we almost set up separate households on numerous occassions.
Having your eyes opened is great. It's easy to forget what we've learned, and it's easy to forget the shock of the moment when we realized XY and Z about ourselves or our spouse.
Having our eyes open is the first step.
Following what we've learned - putting it into practice, and getting HELP to do so (counseling, mentoring, whatever works for you) is even MORE important.
These books are a tool. The hard work is up to us. And that would be true if you were reading FMO, FWO, Love and Respect, or any of the other myriad of relationship books that are out there.
I'm the author of a marriage book myself, and yet I've struggled. It's a daily fight!
-Julie
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Forum Moderator
Project Specialist for Shaunti Feldhahn |
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JayZ
Posts:1
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| 07/28/2009 6:49 AM |
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I went to the bookstore last month....for the 2nd time picking up the two books skeptically...only this time my fiance came with me...Both of us extremely turned off by main stream popular hits...
But a lady felt the strong need to tell me that this book is great!
Anyways, we decided to get both of them...He started reading the guy's and apparently he felt it helped him understand certain things...
For me I've just started reading the women' s one...and the one thing that really helped was to know that "I am not the only one out there".... especially on the respect issue...I was completely clueless a couple of times when he's gotten upset...feeling that I was dissin him...and I was like "hunh?"
So its a relief to know I ain't the only girl struggling with that....
I realize that we are all frail and we're all sensitive in one area or another...after all its what makes us intimate with each other...that vulnerability...its why you need a best friend, a shoulder to cry on, a partner to celebrate with...
I'm not done with the book yet...but I'm almost there...I'm not too shocked about any of the issues brought up...I think I was already aware of them... but what I feel strongly about is that we gotta let stuff slide....
I've moved overseas 3 years ago...and most of my girlfriends are married...and if it wasn't for their husbands being totally chill and not sweating the small stuff they would have been divorced a long time ago! There is something to learn there...
So on the one hand, I'm doing my very best to prepare for marriage, to support and nurture the love of my life, but on the other hand, I feel a huge urge to scream "let it slide" "forgive" "extend grace"
cheers.
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jo_3d
Posts:1
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| 12/17/2009 5:01 PM |
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My then fiance bought me FWO cos he'd read the FMO and appreciated it.
I read through it and yes the statement that best descibes my experience is 'It opened my eyes'!
But to be honest I struggle with some of the topics it talked about and I asked him...'Is this for real??', 'Do you really struggle with temptation this much?' 'do you really feel like a phoney?'
We swapped books and personalized them, making the books more about us and not just the sexes in general. Doing that was a great help to both of us in understanding each other.
The biggest help I got out of the books, was to see how much of a support I can be for my husband, to seek God all the more for His wisdom and strength for our marriage. And to keep communication and love lines open at all times. |
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