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ryonn
Posts:15
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| 07/08/2008 1:34 AM |
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I think it has to be restated more clearly.
Man wants respect rather than love.
It does not mean man does not want or perhaps even does not NEED to be loved.
I am a man, and I need to be loved as well.
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Julie Fidler
Posts:162
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| 07/08/2008 6:37 PM |
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I agree with you, Ryonn.
My husband sounds a lot like your - he definitely needs love, too.
And surely no man wants to live in a loveless relationship.
I think the point was not that men DON'T need love, or ONLY need respect, but that respect seemed to be -- according to those thousands surveyed - #1 on the list for guys. I'm sure love isn't very far behind!
Julie :-) |
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Project Specialist for Shaunti Feldhahn |
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Fallen Short
Posts:5
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| 10/14/2008 3:50 PM |
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I have to agree with both of you. If I had to choose between being loved or respected by my wife, I could not choose--I need both from her! I think in marriage, the two are closely related.
However in business relationships or friendships, respect is what I want most. Maybe its my poor self image, but I do crave respect. I totally identified with the men Shaunti interviewed who said they struggle with feeling like a fraud on a daily basis.
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wife/mother
Posts:1
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| 10/15/2008 7:52 AM |
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Having just read the book for "For Women Only" I feel like I better understand my husband. But I'm confused by what is meant by respect. Isn't respect something that is earned? I really struggle with respecting when my husband doesn't take on the leadership of our family. I would love for him to be sure that we have family devotions everyday, but unless I mention it and make an effort to get all the kids together it doesn't happen. I'd love it if he and I would spend time with together with God each day. I've talked to him about it and he knows these are things I want but it still doesn't happen. I know several other women who would love to have their husbands take leadership in this area but they don't. We've had problems with internet ponography as well and that adds into the difficultly of respecting someone who is sneaking behind your back on the internet. I try hard, with God's help, to love my husband and respect him but it is very difficult when he doesn't want to lead and you're not sure you can trust him because of his past record.
What exactly do men mean when they say they want to be respected? Isn't respect something that is earned? |
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David
Posts:1
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| 11/04/2008 6:24 PM |
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I can't claim to be an expert on the subject, wife/mother, but here's my thoughts:
The Bible doesn't say, "Wives, understand and support your husbands when you think he's earned that support." It says, "Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ." (Eph. 5:22, MSG). (Likewise, the love that husbands are instructed to show their wives is unconditional, not just when husbands feel they're lovable.) Jesus says, "If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that." (Luke 6:32-33, NIV) God's love is without condition, and we are to be imitators of God. Respect "should" be earned, but God has given us grace undeserved, and to imitate Him is to offer things needed to the undeserving.
I can't say for certain, but I wonder if there isn't a vicious circle: a husband does not feel his wife respects him, so he acts unrespectably because he feels his needs aren't being met anyway; his unrespectable behavior then leads to the wife not respecting him...and so forth.
As far as what respect means...to me, speaking as a man, respect means that my ideas are taken seriously. They may not be the best ideas, but until that is demonstrated, they are treated as though they have merit. It means that people believe that my ideas, my actions, and I have worth, have value, that they are meaningful, that I am meaningful. That I'm important. That you don't merely tolerate me because I'm convenient, but you need me, and you need me because of who I am, not just what I can do for you. If I feel like I'm generic and replaceable by any man who can go out and earn a salary, fix the sink, whatever...then my station is threatened. I'm no longer respected. I'm used. But if I'm cherished for me...that's respect. |
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Michelle
Posts:1
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| 11/04/2008 11:22 PM |
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I 100% agree with David that husbands and wives are accountable to their own part, regardless of whether their spouse does.
Our small group is going through the "Love and Respect" series, which reiterates a lot of what Shaunti says in her books. The author of L&R said something related to this question. He said that generally, men never question the fact that their wives love them. They tend to accept it as a given, *unless* their wife has said, "I don't love you." It's just in a woman's nature to love. However, women frequently question whether their husbands love them.
The author also said this about respect: If a man is treated disrespectfully week after week, he'll eventually say, "you know, I don't need this. Everyone else respects me but you...." He ends on respect. If a woman is disrespected week after week, she'll eventually say, "You know what? You don't love me...." She ends on love.
I thought this was interesting, and after 13 years of marriage, the words ring true. |
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Julie Fidler
Posts:162
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| 11/11/2008 7:31 PM |
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From the way I've come to understand it, respect for your husband is not something that has to be earned, but ought to be unconditional. We expect our husbands to love us unconditionally, don't we? Men expect and need us to respect them the same way.
If your husband isn't likely to take on leadership roles at home, then find positive things about him to focus on, and praise him for those things. That's a good first step! 
-Julie
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Project Specialist for Shaunti Feldhahn |
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shutterbug99
Posts:9
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| 11/14/2008 12:13 PM |
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The first thing we need to remember is that the only person we can change is ourselves. We can't change our spouse, only the Holy Spirit can do that.
We men live and breath by how we feel our wives see us. I had a difficult time with leadership in my marriage for many many years. I had no confidence in myself, and I didn't feel that my wife had any confidence in me either.
There is a phrase that goes "Behind every good man is a good woman". Very True!
If you want change in your husband, it has to start with you. Respect is crucial!
Keep in mind, this will not be an overnight change. It will be gradual, but if you stick with it, it will be permanent.
God Bless |
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Sara
Posts:2
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| 01/07/2009 2:52 PM |
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shutterbug99 Thanks for that.
I just read FWO and am excited to impliment what I have learned once my husband returns from his military deployment. I too have always wished my husband would be the leader/spiritual leader of our home but he didn't seem able for some reason. Now I know why he was not able to do it. I can't wait to see what God can do with us with all of this new insite. |
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s1oliver
Posts:0
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| 02/08/2009 10:43 AM |
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| Respect can be a tough thing to give unconditionally, just like love. Our society today is a lot different from decades past, I don't think it's for the better either. You have the NOW organization preaching feminism from the mountain tops to all that will hear. There is a way of thinking in today's world that I can do it all on my own, I don't need a man. This is why you see lesbian couples or single women adopting kids or even going to sperm donors to have babies. A family to me is the only way to truly raise a child if at all possible, now I realize men leave or get someone pregnant and don't take responsibility. I don't condone that behavior and as a man it really bothers me because it gives the rest of us a bad name and is partly what it wrong with our society. The head of the household is the father, the bible didn't state it this way as a mistake I can assure you. Respect can be a two way street but it's also something that can be unconditional if you want it to be. If you don't, then don't bother trying to fake it because it won't work. For men, it's important that our ideas matter and our decisions carry some weight. It's how we're built, the same way that women are built with their individual needs. Common ground I think is the where most successful marriages are built, along with mutual respect for what the other person brings to the relationship. I will never understand how the female mind works in regards to all those "windows" because I can compartmentalize things much better, just because my wife can't doesn't mean I don't love or respect her. She doesn't love or respect me any less because of the way my mind works, we don't focus on things like that. That brings me back to common ground. If you have a hard time respecting your husband then focus on things he does that are positive and that you love about him. I'm not condoning the behind your back porn either, maybe he has issues with it that run deeper than you both know. I also notice some women on here saying in other posts that some of the ideas in the book are a 50's way of thinking. What exactly does that mean? Is it the idea that men want more sex? Or is it the idea that men are to be the head of the house? My wife handles the finances in our home, does that mean she doesn't respect me? No it doesn't. I spend a lot of time with our children when she's in school a lot and do the majority of the cooking. Partly because I like to but partly because my wife doesn't like to as well. She respects me for what I contribute to our family life. I make the bigger paycheck as well but I don't like to do the finances, she's better at handling it I admit so I let her do it. Some people have a hard time with the ideas that are in these books, it goes both ways. Men are expected to give chase to their wives always and love them unconditionally, so for us there's things we may need to change about our behavior. It's no surprise that men want more sex because, I can only speak for myself, it's rooted in love and that's how I feel more love and connected than anything else. It's always been that way for me, I didn't choose it from a list. Is it such a task to have even a little more sex? Especially after expecting the man to do some changes on his part? Both men and women need to find common ground and communicate their needs to each other. In this regard, the books give you the insight and knowledge you may not have had to get things started. I believe that is all that was intended in the first place. |
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type5
Posts:13
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| 03/27/2009 3:10 AM |
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Back to the original poster on this thread.
I agree and disagree.
I feel I need love and respect too, but you know what, gender plays a role here for me. I feel close to my wife when she respects me, and I feel close to my male friends when they are loving to me. When they are respectful, I feel distant.
Go figure. |
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mine4life
Posts:1
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| 04/05/2009 6:19 AM |
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As a wife of 10 years (both dh and I have read FWO/FMO and they are wonderful)my dh and I both realize his need for respect and my need for love and I certainly can see how physical relationship affects and creates even his feelings of love toward me. The problem is that he doesn't think that RESPECT is important to me. I couldn't disagree more!!!
As a women, when I don't feel respected, I don't feel loved either!!!
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ryonn
Posts:15
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| 04/24/2009 6:38 AM |
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As a women, when I don't feel respected, I don't feel loved either!!!
Yes.. I also have one female friend who is looking to be respected more than loved.
So I guess it is about which is in the top priority
I feel I need love and respect too, but you know what, gender plays a role here for me. I feel close to my wife when she respects me, and I feel close to my male friends when they are loving to me. When they are respectful, I feel distant.
Go figure.
True. I completely agree and feel the same with you.
What I want to achieve by posting the first post up there, is to simply remind the readers that men also do need love as to women also do need respect, although not in the top of the list. |
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Nightwalker
Posts:1
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| 06/19/2009 2:35 PM |
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Wow, as a man, it sounds like your are describing the exact message from the book, For Women Only. You obviously are angry with your husband and don't respect him because he has different values (wants and choices) regarding how he worships. Is that love? It sounds like judgement, lack of acceptance, and control to me. In the book it says the chief reason men look at porn is to find a fantasy person who will accept them and find them desirable, someone they are safe with. You don't accept him and then wonder why he looks at porn to find acceptance somewhere else in his fantasy? Why not try accepting and supporting him right now the way he is without the condition that he worships with you daily the way you want. You may find out he feels loved and is then more prone to give you what you want instead of resisting and he won't need to escape to fantasy to feel fulfilled as a man. I wish blessings and happiness for you both.
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Julie Fidler
Posts:162
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| 06/28/2009 7:30 PM |
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It seems like people get so wrapped up in their own hurts and disappointments they totally miss the point of the books.
Women don't want to be disrespected, and men don't want to be unloved. The point of the books was to show what the majority of thousands of surveys showed was MOST IMPORTANT to each sex... not that the other issue wasn't important at all.
I don't get why people read "men want respect, women want love" and automatically jump to the (wrong) conclusion that Shaunti & Jeff are implying that the other ones aren't important.
-Julie |
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