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classylady05
Posts:3
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| 07/11/2009 12:21 PM |
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| My boyfriend and I have been going through these books and have found them to be extremely helpful in our relationship. Where I am having trouble is the men and their visual rolodex. I've read every mans battle book as well a few years ago I've got to say this cuts me so bad. I don't know why it has such a powerful affect on me but whenever I think about this topic or talk about it I feel like I got thrown into a wall of knives. I think I over react to it but I don't know what to do to let it go. Whenever my boyfriend (soon to be fiance) tells me hes having trouble, or that hes going to the beach or another place I know theirs lots of temptation it eats me up. Then I tell him that and of course it makes him mad, since it comes across controlling and motherly I guess. I react out of a lot of pain from it. I pray everyday for his protection, but even then I dont see results because he called me once right after id prayed and said hey I turned on the tv and saw a lingerie commercial and I didn't register to turn it off till after. ugh that hurt. This is a huge issue for me and I wish I could find a way to make it not hurt so much. I know there is nothing we can do because that is everywhere, girls dressing like that are everywhere, posters, the mall, walking down the street etc. I try to give it to God but I still feel betrayed and hurt. Can anyone give me advice on what I should do.
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Melody
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| 07/14/2009 7:50 AM |
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I wish I could give you some help because I truly feel your pain. I'm having the same problem also since reading the books. I never thought that's what it meant when they said men were "visual". I always thought being visual meant what they were looking at that very moment was turning them on and then once the image was gone they forgot about it and went along their merry way. Believing that, I thought that everytime my husband and I were intimate, he was all excited about me. NOW, every time my husband wants to make love to me (which isn't very often anyway) I'm wondering which one of these Rolodex images has popped into his head and excited him! He says that it's only me he's thinking about but now I doubt it all the time. And how can they NOT be thinking about something else when they are bombarded constantly with new "Rolodex images" every single day without even looking for it? You can't even watch TV without every single item being marketed is marketed using the most visually stimulating female they could find?
I try to believe my husband. I truly do. I pray for help in believing him and for protection for him against all he's bombarded with every day. Right now, that's the only thing I know to do other than to talk with him seriously about my concerns. So far, and it's only been a couple of weeks since we read the books, I can tell that it's starting to sink in with him and he's trying really hard to cut himself off from unneccesary visual stimulations. He truly loves me, of that I have no doubt. But now I'm constantly wondering if it's me he's caressing or is it something or some one that's popped into his head from his Rolodex that's got him going. I pray that I can stop thinking this way because it's only hurting me.
We went out to dinner the other night and four of our friends, all women, came into the restaurant where we were eating. They were having a big "Girls Night Out" and they were all "Dressed to Kill." Of course they joined us for a while and where once I wouldn't have given it a second thought, all I could do was sit there and wonder just how many awesome visual images he was storing up in his Rolodex. It had to be a lot. And it was killing me. The next morning, he wanted to get intimate and I almost cried wondering which visual image from the night before had got him going that morning!
I don't know how, but WE HAVE GOT TO STOP THINKING LIKE THIS!!!!! or it's going to ruin our relationships. I'm struggling with it as I know you are. I hope that you can talk openly with you boyfriend about how seriously this affects you. The fact that my husband is openly listening to me and truly trying to do everything in his power to ease my mind about it is my only saving grace.
All I can tell you is to be honest with him about your concerns then watch for his response. If he is truly trying to do everything within his power to protect you and to put you at ease then you have to believe in him and trust him and thank God that you have a man who is willing to do whatever it takes to make you his number one priority.
If they are doing all they can do to ease our minds regarding this issue then I feel it is up to us to TRULY believe in them and trust them and do everything in our power to overcome OUR doubts. It's hard, I know. I'm struggling with it. I'm angry about it. I'm hurt about it. But I keep thinking that with time, if they continue to do all they can do to protect us and ease our minds then one day God will grant us the peace of mind we need. All we can truly do at this point is to pray over it and to be open and honest with our men about it. They truly do love us. They simply don't have a clue sometimes.
Hang in there. I'm going to. I know deep down it's going to get better. It's got to. Let me know how things progress with you. I truly care because I know exactly what you're going through. And trust me, we're not the only ones.
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classylady05
Posts:3
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| 07/14/2009 6:35 PM |
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| Hi Melody, thanks for the reply I hear yah girl.
This is so hard and seems so unfair. Everytime I think I come up with something to make me feel better I ask him and then I find the truth about it which only hurts more. I'm trying to realize that my ignorance was a good thing but now I can't get that back and I have to decide what to do with the knowledge I have now. I havn't found any other way other then to pray for peace and grace to make me feel better. I was feeling very sick the past few days not because I was ill but because of this topic it made me phyisically feel ill. I talk to my man about it and at first he did not understand at all
he thought I was being his mother and being controlling he didn't understand I only reacted out of a lot of hurt. He is a lot more understanding now. This week he is at the beach with his family and of course thats been a constant on my mind. nagging me of all the women I imagine being there, in thei bikinis and what thats going to do to his mind ugh it kills me. He tells me that hes been doing alright so far but that so far scares me haha. We've talked a bit about this topic and he reassures me that hes hardly if ever thinks about having sex with that person the most would be them in skimpy outfits and maybe touching them but that still hurts me.
He says he tries but he also says I don't do good all the time, and I could do more. That stings a little because it makes me feel like he don't care enough that it hurts me that bad to try harder. I understand its hard and I need to be gracious. I can't expect him to get it all the time but I need to know he'd do anything to not and honestly I don't always believe that.
Like I don't think if it came to it he would close his eyes or look somewhere else (maybe looking silly by doing those things) in order to not.
He says its ok to look just not drool over and dwell on. but I beg to differ because I think he should bounce his eyes off a girl not keep looking bc looking only plants a seed that could come up later in his mind once again tempting him.
I thought it was a momentary thing where he saw it and forgot it and thought bout me but I leanred the killing truth that no those girls can easily come back to his mind and its not right back to just me once they are gone. That hurt really bad.
I feel silly that it affects me so much, I read the everymans battle book a couple years ago but then it didnt bother me as much but now that I am in love with a man and want to marry him it hurts extremely bad. I don't want to have to feel that forever yah know? it made me not want to ever marry.
But I had to decide is He worth the hurt, do I love him enough bc he is not those thoguhts and I do know without doubt he truly loves me. So in the end I have his heart but I want his mind too. its not fair but I don't know what to do to comfort me or any other women with such pain.
I guess just do our best to love and respect them, and affirm them, and want them and care for their sexual need.
In everymans battle book. it made a good comment that offers me a Little hope.
It said that if a man has sex on sunday night and sees a provacative bulliten monday morning it dont affect him a lot, he sees shes attractive but its not a strong pull to dwell on her. but if he hasnt had sex since like a few days and he sees that bulliten then its a magnet and her image is on his mind thoughout the day.
That gives me inscentive to take care of his sexual needs in a marriage. I know it don't fix it but I guess all we can do is give them our all especially in that area and desire them and hope for the best. Pray everyday for them and ourselves.
God will give us the peace and grace we need. We need to learn to be gracious towards our men about it because we all struggle, just this one hurts us women. I think men don't see why it hurts so bad nor understand because its normal to them, they have always had it and they don't see it as that big of a problem as we do.
I hope to hear from you again soon. Its good to have someone who understands my hurt perhaps we can comfort each other in this. Let me know how things are with your husband I'm praying for you. |
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Tisha
Posts:2
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| 07/15/2009 4:08 PM |
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I don't think I have very much advice just wanted to let you know that I am there. That was a very difficult part of the book for me too. When I read it I was grilling my husband with questions and feeling like I wanted to kill him, even though he didn't do anything wrong. I struggle too because I also have a very low self asteem as well as being overweight.
My husband tells me he is very attracted to me but I struggle with even that. Our first fight (when we were dating) is that he had a thing for red heads (which I am not). He admits he notices attractive women but he doesn't have thoughts about them later or having sex with them. I still wonder though. I think he learned, early on, not to be totally honest with me. So as not to start a huge fight and or hurt me.
I suppose we should listen to our men and try to understand where they are coming from. Easier said then done. It is hard for me to understand since I don't look at anyone else and feel like he should be the same way. It does feel like a betrayal and it feels like we will never be good enough but they did choose us. We have to trust them and trust that they don't want to be with anyone but us. Like I said, easier said then done. |
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Bunnicula286
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| 08/05/2009 5:10 PM |
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I know how you feel!!
I used to be very niave about the visual rolodex in my man's mind. But he was certainly not niave that I highly disapproved of pornography and other exually explicit images. Several years ago, my boyfriend, now fiance, causiously and bravely opened up to me that he had a problem with pornography since he was a young teen. In hindsight, I see how clear it was that he was telling me this because he needed upport from the woman he loves (and he needed to get if off his chest). But I reacted in a terribly unsupportive way. I called him all kinds of terrible names, which caused him to cower and retreat back into his own self. From then on, I had lost his trust in talking about the issue. It has now been 3 years since that conversation, and he still puts up his defense barriers when I bring it up....
...And I do not blame him. It is very true that I am still very hurt by it. It feels exactly like Classylady described - like knives. And he knows how it hurts me, and therefore I have a hard time pretending to be truly understanding and supportive. Reading FWO has certianly helped, but it will be a long journey of prayer for me to fully understand and be there for him.
But it still hurts every day. I am like Melody in that I am the 1 out of 4 woman who desire sex more than my man. And that is what hurts most of all. He can't get enough of his images, but he seldomly wants me. Women out on the beach or in commercials actually do not bother me. In fact, he doesn't really stare or even look at those women, just the ones on the internet who are...well... doing much more than just sitting on a beach. I have even accidently stumbled upon the places he has been, and I was disgusted and heartbroken.
Also, this feeling is NOT only common among women who are unhappy with their body or their looks, it happens to ALL of them. I consider myself to have pretty high self-esteem when it comes to my body and my looks. In FWO, Shaunti called it, "The impossibly skinny size 2" or something like that. Well, I am a size 0 or 2, and I still feel this way. I also thought I was generally pretty, but knowing that my man rather look like other women than me makes me feel like a hag. And it does NOT motivate me to make an effort to look good for him.
Anyway, I began to believe that my ignorance was bliss too. I stopped trying to ask him how his problem was going, but deep down, not knowing hurt more. I decided to be bold and, with God giving me stregth, I had to tell the man I loved so much that he must choose between me or the images. I am not saying that his was be best approach to supporting him, but it worked to an extent. From then on, he has given ME full reign over his computer - the main source of his problem. He has made me the administrator on HIS computer and has allowed me to set up "parent controls" to block certain sites.
This was a HUGE sacrafice for him. Not only did he give up his freedom on his own computer for me, but he allowed himself to be completely transparent on it. We all know that guys do NOT want us to be thier mothers, so, as to not "parent" him over "parent controls" I do my best not to check his online reports. The only problem with this arrangment is that I can tell that he resents his lack of freedom, even though it was his idea.
This step has not made him pay any more intimate attention on me, at least not yet. Perhaps because he resents having to make that decision. You are all right - WE HAVE TO SUPPORT AND ENCOURAGE OUR MEN no matter how much it hurts us. If I had been supportive and encouraging right off the bat, we might have not had to take the measures we took. Pray for the protection of both of you, that you both can keep your cool and move forward in your relationship. Continue to be honest with him. |
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girl912
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| 08/09/2009 3:01 AM |
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In response to Bunnicula286, wow.. you have got some strength even though you may feel you are at your weakest. I truly do not want to discourage you, or plant the wrong ideas in anyone's head, but I have been there and never want to be again. I have been divorced from my ex husband now for 2 years, and the insecurity haunts me everyday. My ex was in the military and when we married and got a house on base, everything about our relationship changed in my eyes. We married within six months of knowing each other which wasn't good, but also i stayed in my home state for another 2 months before I moved on base with him to finish a college class. Long story short, the marriage was very new and we weren't having sex like I thought we would be. Once I moved on base with him, I already felt the loneliness. We would only have sex maybe once or twice a week, which for being newlyweds, i thought, was extremely out of the ordinary. I began to think i was one outta four and that he simply didn't have the sex drive i did.
I didn't have a job when I moved there until about a month after arriving. In the meantime, keeping in mind newly weds, he would come home from work at 4:30, eat dinner, and then get on the computer for 4 hours a night. He was into this WWII fighting game he played online with other people. Little sex, little time with him, extreme loneliness. I talked to my mom about it and the only suggestion as to why he spent so much time on the computer and not having sex is because he was probably addicted to porn. I couldn't possibly believe it. I had never seen him do it and couldn't possibly fathom the idea. By the way - my parent's marriage was destroyed by this very addiction.
One morning I woke up and walked passed the computer room to use the bathroom when i noticed he canceled his page really quickly. Then he came up to me and hugged me for no reason - another suspicious act! When he left for work, i checked the computer history and sure enough - lovely porn.
Because of my recent finding, i dug deeper. I found that not only was he just looking, but he was also on dating porn sites having cyber sex with many females. I felt like i wanted to die right then and there. I truly did not want to live. The problem with porn addiction is that it is said to be worse than any drug addiction because it attacks the largest human desire - the sex drive.
He promised over and over that it would never happen again. We were married 3 years more and I couldn't take the lies anymore. He promised he would change, go to counseling, he new i checked the history, but nothing worked. It moved from the computer to the phone. The first phone bill we had when he got out of the military and we bought our very first house had local "900" numbers on it. Once again - he would never do it again.
You do not want to live the rest of your life feeling like you have to monitor that computer or phone all the time. It's not that ONE COMPUTER....it's the magazines in any of the stores, or the library, or a friends house. I truly do not want to discourage you, but i must be honest and say that the likelihood of him breaking the pornographic addiction is very slim. It can be done - but by GOD, not but us being the administrator of the computer.
Having a husband with a porn addiction has got to be one of the worst things because all it does is affirms our greatest fears - we are not good enough. And it is true.... when a boy begins this addiction at a young age - his entire definition of sex is thwarted. After talking with many men on the issue, none of them could understand how anyone could pick being pleased by pictures over an actual person - their wife. None of them could fathom the idea of a girl wanted sex more than them... most men would kill for this. This is because they are not addicted to the pornography. Porn has an immediate thrill. Because those that are addicted to this material are used to immediate gratification - I would safely assume that they probably perform rather quickly as well.
I guess my bottom line is this: if you want to live with this hurt for the rest of your life than stay. I am truly sorry to say that more than likely this will not change. He will be resentful to you being the administrator on the computer. You cannot stop him no matter what. He will find a way if his is still struggling. You cannot change him, only God can if your husband or bf is willing to change. If he is serious about changing he needs a male to be accountable to, not his girl.
But i must say, being in that position before, i am truly happy that i am out of it. One day you will have enough if you haven't already - but how many years will have passed. But to be honest with you, now that i am in a new relationship, my past of insecurity haunts me everyday. I am more worried about porn than I would ever be of my boyfriend going out on me physically. I still struggle with wanting to check the computer history, but I absolutely have to come to the realization of what i just told you. It isn't just one computer, or one tv. God will show you and reveal the truth - I PROMISE.. BECAUSE HE PROMISES. You would never have to go out of your way to check the history - God will find some way of revealing it to you.
I will stress over and over as you already know and feel - there is nothing worse than having this on your mind 24/7. What is he doing now, what is he thinking now, what's on his computer screen at work, what calenders do other guys have up at work, the list goes on and on and on. It is horrible.
I was 12 years old when my mom told me about what my dad's problem. I grew up with the knowledge of how destructive this can be on a marriage or relationship. But then to experience it myself was horrendous. I will pray for you and the other women out there that are experiencing the same pain. This addiction goes far beyond a random flash or thought. I truly believe this is why most women may fall in the one in four category of wanting sex more than their men. Not always, but a lot of the times. Because unfortunately, to an addict, we cannot provide them with the same instant gratification or the intense stimulation.
I am truly sorry if I have offended anyone, surely this is not my intention. |
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